I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
