Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize