just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
