i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize