I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
