I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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