Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
