Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
