he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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