seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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