i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
