my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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