is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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