she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
