They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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