I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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