Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
