Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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