Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
