Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
