This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
