So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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