I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
