God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
