if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
