new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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