Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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