He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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