Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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