In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
