I can text with my tongue
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Panties = found
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