I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
