That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
