Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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