if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
too bad you live with your parents still
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
