Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
