if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
