I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
