Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
