how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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