my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you will always have a special place in my vag
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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