Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
