Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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