I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
