Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
