Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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