My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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