youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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