Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
it's like heaven, but drunker
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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