I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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