why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
