apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
