I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
