She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
