don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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