He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
