I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
they're like a gay fantastic four
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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