I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
