some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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