shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
