I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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