my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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